Help! I don't know what to do!

[rjammin]

I need some advice from the wise people on the message board.
My wife and I have a real dillema. My boss (and very close friend) is getting married next May. My wife and I have been going to Jamaica every year since 2003 between the months of February and April. We have every intention of making the wedding of course but its the bachelor/bachelorette parties that are going to be a problem.
The guys are heading to Daytona Beach, Harleys in tow, for Bike Week while the women head to Vegas for?????.
I know we both will have a great time but here is our dillema; if we do this we will have skip our annual trip to Couples, we won't be able to afford to do both trips. As much as we don't want to disappoint our friends, the thought of not spending a week together at Couples is killing us.
So, that said, we have left it up to the wise folks on the message board to help with our decision since we cannot.
Please give us your thoughts on what you would do. Thanks.

[sunmum]

hmmm, well, you are going to the wedding. That is the most important thing. It sounds as if you would rather be at Couples together than the parties? When we make these important decisions, we actually get a little morbid..(sorry) We always think about it as our last thing we did together. If you knew that that this was the last thing you would do , what would you want it to be? Life is short (we have lost many friends and family lately) If I knew that this was it, I would be there for my friends' wedding , and I would be there for my spouse. If you would regret not being there for your friends' parties, then that should be your decision. Either way , you will have fun, just different fun.

[Soonerfans]

All I can say is friends are very important to have and especially close friends!!!! Dont get me wrong I understand you want to go to Couples and I would too but sometimes we have to put aside what we want to do in order to take care of our close friends!! Not sure that helped but like you said your friends would be disappointed so to me that says it all! Good luck to you guys!!!

[redinthehead]

For us as long as we aren't part of the wedding party and just guest we would skip the bachelor/bachelorette parties. Would explain that you need your couples times at Couples it when we reconnect and helps to that spark in our marrage. Here are your gifts please take lots of photos so we can see what we missed. Can I recomend Couples as a place to go for your honeymoon.............

[Shari and James]

The bachelor and bachelorette parties sound WAY extravagant to me. In your position I would let them know well in advance you have other plans for that time and can not afford those trips.

[Deb & Simon]

Hi rjammin, what a dilemma!! I'm sure as long as you are honest with your friends about the fact that you & your wife need a holiday but can't afford to do both I am sure that they would understand if you couldn't make it to their respective party's...after all, everyone needs a holiday!

[Redsoxnation]

Since your boss is a close friend I would go with the bachelor/bachelorette parties. This is a one time celebration for them. You will have Couples next time. It will still be there waiting for you. You could book the resort part now, so at least you will have it to look forward to. Just my opinion.

[johnirene]

Agreed - it's a dillema but hey, if you are attending the wedding then the bachelor/bachelorette parties are not quite so important -are they? I'm a Brit so am not really 'up' on USA weddings, parties, etc. However, if it was my wedding and my friends could only make either the batchelor/batchelorette parties or the wedding - I would much prefer that they were there to celebrate my commitment to my partner than to have fun with my friends at the parties.

I'm sure if you explain that you would love to share their special day but unfortunately can't make the pre-wedding celebarations your boss would be more than happy that you were there to share the best day of their life.

[jeffdawnNH]

This sounds like a good reason to ask for a raise!! If you have to choose it seems to me to be a no brainer. Although bike week is enticing it holds no candle to a week at Couples. Jeff

[Maxernie]

That's a tough one & as much as I'd like to say to skip the bachelor/bachelorette trips & go to Couples ..... which is what I would rather do if it were me ..... I'm going to have to say that I think you should go to Daytona & Vegas this time. The only reason I'm saying that is because it's your BOSS .... who also happens to be a very close friend .... Think you'd feel left out when everyone is later talking about the GREAT time they had & you weren't a part of it .... Plus, it might look kinda bad for you not to go to your boss's party, especially since you are good friends. That all being said .... I'd rather go to Couples with my hubby than to Vegas with a bunch of other women anytime so would be trying to convince him that Couples is what we should do.

[Cathy_Joe]

I think the whole wedding thing has gotten way out of hand. Bachlor and bachlorette parties used to be a night out with friends. It has now turned into expensive extortion.
FWIW, I decide how I spend my money. Whether I was in the wedding party or not, if it meant I would have to forgo my yearly vacation with my husband to attend what is inarguably a very expensive vacation for the bride/groom, I would politely decline.

[MnK]

This sounds like a good reason to ask for a raise!! If you have to choose it seems to me to be a no brainer. Although bike week is enticing it holds no candle to a week at Couples. Jeff

I think Jeff has got the right idea.

Seriously, it does sound like you want to go to Couples. If they are truly good friends, wouldn't they understand???? You certainly don't want to make a choice that may cause you to be resentful in any way.

At the same time, I remember my brother-in-law (who I adore and we are very close) got super upset that I would not attend his 40th bd because I was at a Christian Women's retreat. (So I left the retreat and drank all night with him.)

Makes me happy I'm a forty-something chick whose friends are too old for that kind of partying. (Maybe its my friends and not my age though.)

Good luck!!! I think you're going to have fun either way. Could you do a shorter Couples stay, as a compromise?

[Margi]

If you or your husband are in the wedding party, you should go to the respective parties. But, if not, go to Couple's. Just because you are good friends doesn't obligate you to do all the wedding activities. You are going to the wedding and that should be enough for your friends. Good luck deciding.

[karinjim]

Sounds to me like your boss has way too much money and if you go he really should give you a raise. Weddings have gotten way to expensive and fancy. That wedding sounds like some sort of cellebrity celebraion. What happened to bacherolle parties being a night out close to where you live of having a party. As long as you go to the wedding, you should be able to politely decline the pre party. That sounds more like a vacation that he wants everyone to participate in rather than pre wedding party. Let them know you already have plans to go to your much needed yearly vacation and you cannot afford 2 vacations at this time.
Good luck. I would be going to Couples myself.
Karin

[Bert]

Go to Couples and send regrets.

[randi&sherri]

go to couples a bachelor/bacheloreet party will be short lived your vacation with your spouse lasts a lifetime!!

CSA ROCKS!

[RubiGal04]

Attend the wedding, but not those extravagant parties. You'll be there for their special day as a good friend should. They'll understand.

[Hellen72]

Can you do a compromise and do couple s for a few less days?

Another Brit here so not up on US traditions but personally I think that people who chose expensive parities like that are being a bit selfish really if they expect people to go. It sounds like it will not be cheap and expecting people to pay out that sort of money is a big ask.

I would just say that you can't afford to go as well as your normal holiday and you need your normal holiday. If he is about to get married then he should appreciate the value of spending time together as a couple.

[rjammin]

Thanks so much for the great responses and some really great ideas....ask him for a raise? love that idea!
I also agree with the comments about a good 'ol fashioned night out locally as opposed to the big buck trip out of town. When did this become the trend? I know it's been that way around our area for years now but I still don't get it.
My boss is a very generous guy and he is very well off; million dollar condo downtown Chicago, $800K yacht, 6 motorcycles etc. He is also 42 years old and has, up to this point, remained single (that's why he has so many toys). We have been very fortunate having them as friends. He's the kind of guy that won't let anyone pay for anything when they're out with him.
The more I thought about it, I think he and his bride to be would be hurt if we didn't attend. We've been to Jamaica every year since 2003, I think we can skip a year. I also think that if we save our pennies, we could maybe go later in the year.
Once again, thank you for your responses, they all helped in one way or another in our decision.

[smroot]

Suggest they hold the parties at a Couples in Jamaica.