No matter what I do to try and quell the emotions running rampant in my mind and in my soul, it is futile. They can not and will not be subdued no matter how hard I try. The excitement is undeniable and unavoidable. It is a freight train barreling down the tracks at full throttle. Every inch of forward motion and the speed increases. The sounds are maddening. It rumbles through my brain and drowns out all sense of reality. I hold my head in my hands and try to muffle the echoes reverberating through every pore of my body. I am but a prisoner shackled and bound and incapable of escape.
And yet, there is amidst all this turmoil and trumpeting, a joy that rushes to the surface. Desperately seeking an escape, a release of the unrelenting clashing all around me. Seeking an oasis of tranquility and calm. Searching desperately to find that place of sanity amongst all that is insane. It is torture and it is sublime. The black of night swirling amidst the glaring light of fragmented reality. A place of torture, of tantrums along side the soft velvet hand of peace and harmony. The pain is insignificant when measured against the orgasm of rapture and replenishment. So many times before this juxtaposition has invaded my safe and protected inner sanctum. I have lost all control and I am held prisoner, helplessly thrashing about seeking refuge from the unrelenting onslaught of anxiety and ecstasy.
So many times in my past, I have willingly been drawn into this swirling whirlpool of excitement and exuberance. A massive mountain of desperation and acceptance. And while I tell myself that this experience will yield untold rewards and richness beyond calculations, the path to glory is lined with fragile frail stepping stones that offer ever so brief a place to stand and catch my breath before moving on to the next milestone. Tragedy along side triumph. Pain wrapped in palms of pleasure. I dare not linger here nor there, I must find the fortitude to keep moving forward, desperately seeking gratifying comfort and relief. The path is fraught with obstacles of unimaginable terror. But I have learned that this hideous insane journey, will end as it always does, depositing me in a land of unimaginable beauty. A land full of warmth and tropical lushness, soft soothing breezes, cool inviting pools of pleasure.
Now one may think that I should try my best to avoid all this angst. But I am, once again, incapable of gaining control. I am but a fragile leaf at the mercy of the winds. That will dictate my destiny ,and that alone will cast me onward and upward and then, without a measure of compassion, leave me stranded and breathless. All this I willingly undertake, again and again, in order to find the rainbow after the storm. The place that calls to me over and over again. Beckons my heart and my mind. Invites my entire being to dwell, if only for a moment in time, in the place I still call home.
I have come to understand the trials and tribulations that precede my travels. I fully understand the endless days of waiting and counting prior to pilgrimage. It is but a small price to pay for all that will follow. I will survive as I have done so many times before. I will draw in, from all around me, the richness of the land. The unending love and compassion of the people that inhabit that island of infinite sunshine and the sweet aroma of salt air.
Soon, so very soon, I will find that place to recline and rest my tired tortured torso. And I will, once again, be home.