I wanted to put pen to paper to thank you all for your hard work on our first overseas holiday since the Great War. After a somewhat traumatic two week journey by sea to reach your resort, it was a delight to be guests of your most excellent hospitality. Fortunately Carson found us a direct flight on an aeroplane machine to London courtesy of our dear friend Sir Richard Branson that mercifully reduced the return journey to around nine hours. Sir Richard is entertaining company, but unfortunately quite mad - at a recent dinner at Downton he was claiming he will soon have these machines flying to the moon or something similar!
It was difficult to get used to your local activities such as "Fetch D Item" and water-skiing (as enjoyable as they were) - they are a far cry from our usual pastimes of grouse shooting, polo and continually getting dressed. I understand from Lady Sybil that Wi-Fi is a new sort of telegram service, but frankly as we are only now just getting used to the telephone, we did not partake, although I am sure it was jolly splendid. Please pass on my thanks to Mr Dennis your hatter. His skill of making hats from Mother Nature should be rewarded generously, even though I doubt those that he made for the Countess and I are suitable for Royal Ascot.
I will heartily recommend your resort to Matthew and Lady Mary, although I must insist there are no Turkish guests staying at the same time as we would wish to avoid further scandal. We will not be sending Tom and Lady Sybil - it is far too good for him, and he would want to start fighting for your independence as well as Ireland's. Obviously we would be unable to send Lady Edith until she has attracted a beau, which unsurprisingly has proven very difficult - it looks like it is off to an immoral Spanish island on a Club 18-30 holiday for her.
(Carson informs me you have already gained independence. Congratulations - I am sure it will work out for you. Just do not give in to this suffragette nonsense or you will end up with a woman as Prime minister before you know it!)
The food throughout was first rate, and we would kindly request that you forward the recipe for Jerk Chicken to Mrs Patmore - as well as a jar of 'Jerk' (apparently it is impossible to source this from her usual grocer) - it will certainly surprise and impress the French Ambassador and the Duke of Marlborough next time they visit. It took us some time to become accustomed to not dressing for dinner, although we know that Thomas and Miss O'Brien were grateful for the extra free time. On the subject of Thomas, we deeply regret that he started an illegal enterprise of selling cigars and "good stuff" on the beach front - his wages were docked three shillings for this transgression.
(Carson informs me that women have the vote and that you have a woman as Prime minister. Excellent - I am sure it will work out for you.)
Our thanks must also go to the housekeeping staff who worked tirelessly throughout our stay. They have managed to keep our quarters in good order despite our ability to create a mess. Mrs Hughes was particularly taken with the animals made from bath towels, and so will be attempting to recreate these at Downton. We also pay tribute to the ground staff who do a magnificent job of maintaining the gardens - regrettably, we doubt it will be possible to persuade Mr Molesley to dig up his prize-winning roses to plant coconut trees.
Looking forward to seeing you again soon.
PS There has been a sudden development. Please reserve a room for Lady Edith plus one, for two weeks in April.
PPS Please cancel that reservation - let Hedonism II know that Lady Edith is on her way immediately.
Whomsoever you may be Sir, I would hazard a guess that you may have let our American cousins into the goings-on at Downton previous the their seeing the tales on their own televisual machinery. I shudder to think what the producers of Downton will do as a result of this lackadaisical behaviour. There may well be questions in 'The House' about this Sir!
Hedonism 2? Oh, lorks a lordy! I fear there will be rough waters ahead but Couples could come to the rescue. Let joy be unconfined!